icantbelieveitsnotwalrusfandomcom-20200213-history
List of weapons that don't exist, but should
This page contains a list of weapons that don't exist, but should. Throughout history, many different forms of weapons have evolved. They all have their differences, except for some of them, which are identical. But there's one thing nearly all of them have in common: they're really, really, boring. The sword? You poke someone and they hopefully get hurt. The gun? You point at someone and they get hurt, or hopefully dead. The bomb? You throw something at someone or something and they get hurt or maybe even vaporized. Every weapon ever made can be simplified into one of these three categories. That's it. No more weapons in the universe. You'd think the evil geniuses behind these things would have a little more creativity and fun doing their job, but no. They all long for the sweet, painless chicken soup of death and couldn't care less about creativity. This list attempts to describe various weapons that don't exist, but should, or may in an alternate universe of Moose Wormhole. To meet the criteria for inclusion on this list, a weapon must meet all of the following criteria: *Must be able to kick at least 13 varieties of ass (it used to be 12, but standards are higher now). *Must be not boring. Yes, a gun that shoots swords is cool, but we already got one of those. We got bored of it. *Must be better than any other weapon on the list (optional, preferred). *Must not exist. If it does exist, please annihilate all known copies of the weapon before putting it on this page. Pointy Weapons 'Pointed Stick' The Pointed Stick is very deadly due to its ability to be found in such common household places such as in your bag or or on a tree. Do not approach sharpened sticks in the wild as they may beat you to death. Instead, pull the lever that releases the 16 ton weight. Or release the kraken. If you don't have either, consider the option of running. 'Super Pencil of Deadly Justice' The S.P.O.D.J. is an extremely dangerous form of twig that can kill someone if you hold them down and stab them with it for over eighteen to thirty-three hours. Most commonly, this will result in the victim dying of starvation rather than any physical damage caused by the S.P.O.D.J. Random Weapons 'Acid Balloon' The concept of this weapon, based on the design of the complex "water balloon", is simple. It is a balloon made of corrosive rubber that is filled with acid. The corrosive rubber has made it so that this weapon doesn't exist. However, if it did ''exist, the acid balloon, though unsuitable for murder, is undeniably hilarious to watch. This is due to the recipient, expecting a cool, refreshing blast of water, instead finds his skin melting off. That's a knee-slapper. 'Exploding tree' Just when you think you've got a perfect place to hide… KA-BLOOM! Nature's "best friend" just exploded in your face. This weapon is also perfect for getting rid of those idiot tree huggers, as well as any squirrels you may encounter. 'Nun-Chucks' No, no, not the ancient weapon of "nunchaku". I mean, Nun-Chucks. As in, Norris. Nun-Chuck Norris. Like swinging around two mini-Chuck Norrises on a chain. Nobody shall survive the Nun-Chucks. 'Chuck-Nuns' The Chuck-Nuns are the opposite of Nun-Chucks in name only. The design of this weapon is like a cannon that shoots nuns. It's quite extreme. Weapons that are awesome only because they're larger than normal 'Giant Paper' The Giant Paper is the perfect weapon, as it can be made into any other shape, which is immediately rendered in giant form. It can even be made into a paper airplane if need be, although many would consider that to be a waste of potential. The Giant Paper can suffocate any enemy and is unbeatable*. As an added bonus, it also gives nasty paper cuts. *Note: the '''Giant Paper' can be cut down by the Giant Scissors, but squeezes the crap out of Giant Rock. 'Giant Rock' The Giant Rock, with its immense giantness is capable of crushing anything that dares oppose it. There is no point in fighting anyone wielding an indestructible Giant Rock*, except in the rare case of wanting to commit suicide and not being able to find anything better. *Note: the Giant Rock is crushed by the Giant Paper, but completely destroys Giant Scissors. 'Giant Scissors' Obviously highly effective as a projectile; even discounting that, a giant pair of scissors, though perhaps difficult to maneuver, would turn even the worst of failures into an overwhelming victory. Anyone who walks up to you and tries to stop you walks will literally be sliced in half. Think about it: if you can use a giant scissors to cut someone cleanly in half, bones included, then nobody will dare to mess with you. Just remember what your mum said about running with giant scissors (namely: Don't). But when did you start listening to her? Running with scissors is fun! So go ahead, do it! These weapons made a cameo in Star Wars ''(1977). The Giant Scissors are great!* *Note: the '''Giant scissors' can be crushed by the Giant rock, but shear the Giant Paper. Living Weapons 'Cloned-Armored Raptors' You get a dozen or so cloned velociraptors, slap on some protective armor and unleash them in the neighborhood of your choice. These vicious little predators will hunt down your enemy for you and eviscerate them with their razor toe claws, or at least rip out their jugulars. The armor is to help even the playing field if your enemy has weapons like a dolphin gun or Armed Monkeys. If they get killed, it's no big deal. Just clone some more. 'Crocodiles with Crocodiles for Limbs' The concept is simple: crocodiles take up large amounts of space. Instead of wasting space (and food) on five crocodiles to thwart potential trespassers, or run wild in enemy trenches, why not use a giant crocodile that instead of having arms and legs, has other crocodiles? It's 5 times the croc in one easy-to-feed package, all for just only $159.99! 'Banana Snakes' Banana snakes are native to South America, where they live in peace with the Mexicans. In return for not biting and/or eating them, the Mexicans taught the banana snake how to cross the U.S. border. This strategy was conceived by the army commander of Mexico, who lives in that hut next to the Taco Bell. The banana snake quickly tried to cross the border in trucks, but they got eaten by tarantulas. Then they went into a different route. 'Ninja Sheep' Sheeps are all cuddly and cute, which is why they are such excellent assassins. Nobody expects an innocent-looking sheep to be up to no good. But as we all know, appearances can be deceiving. Some sheeps are in fact trained as ninjas. Those rare sheeps, which are few in numbers, are excellent in close-combat and will make you a head shorter if you underestimate them. They are good at infiltrating the enemy's ranks and fighting behind enemy lines. 'Porcupine-in-a-Sock' The porcupine-in-a-sock, also known as the porcupine-in-a-stocking provides maximum armour penetration, portability, and angry rodentitry in an affordable, accessible package. Simply place your spiked rodent (i.e. porcupine, however hedgehogs/echidnas make excellent replacements depending on location) into a maximum-strength stocking, and swing that sucker towards your unwary opponent. For maximum effect, swing the stocking around your head, much as one would swing a toddler. This will no doubt strike fear into your opponent, and has the added effect of angering your projectile. 'Squirrel Grenade' This simple device sends out a powerful sonic pulse that disrupts squirrels' molecular structure, turning them into fiery fluffballs of flaming death. 'Phillip Projectile' This poisonous projectile is made fresh from the Phillip mushroom. Simple, but effective. 'Punxsutawney Phil Bomb' What's that, Punxsutawney Phil? You say there's six more weeks of winter? Wait, I can't hear you, let me hold you up closer.... KABLAMMY! 'Sharks With Laser Beams Attached To Their Heads' This living weapon incorporates laser beams that are strapped to the heads of sharks. When these laser-happy fishies swim in schools, they're really ''deadly. Like, not goldfish deadly. Like, ''sharks-with-frikin'-lazer-beams-attached-to-their-frickin'-heads. 'Rocket-Propelled Chickens' Rocket propelled chickens (RPCs) are inexpensive substitutes for actual rocket-propelled grenades. They are primarily used in central Asia, where chickens roam the countryside in packs. They are mainly criticized for their high level of non-explosiveness, as they are completely useless unless the enemy is allergic to chicken feathers. Other Non-Weapons 'Catapult that Catapults Catapults' A medieval extreme-range missile solution. The first, large catapult hurls another, smaller catapult which somewhere in mid-air releases the load. Ideal for confusing enemy armies (as well as your own), due to the randomness of the trajectory of the boulder. Also fun for large parties. 'Radioactive Vegetables' Especially good for killing off large amounts of hippies or vegetarians. As the unsuspecting victim bites into the vegetable, large amounts of radioactive isotopes are injected into their bloodstream, killing them in a matter of seconds. Just don't try to plant them in your backyard. 'Ninja-in-a-Box' Simply send this wonderful little package to your most hated enemies. When they open, they're in for a huge surprise.